You say I never talk

Or want to talk

Or am willing to talk

So, let’s talk

I choose to write

Because it helps me to say

What I want to say

Imperfectly, perhaps…

To think and reflect

and take my time

While I think

Imperfectly…

 

In order for me to talk

Then you must be willing to listen

And so let me talk, and you listen

And then we’ll talk

 

I don’t quite know where to start

So I’ll start by

how you feel sensitive

how you feel I’m hurtful

how you feel I don’t care

how you feel, I don’t feel

 

I’ve heard and know

And can appreciate

What you did

When you distanced yourself

I know now that things got bad

That I was out of control

And I put everything you have

At great risk

And you had to do What you had to do

And I want you to know

That I’m so sorry things got so bad

that you had to do that

And having said that

I need for you to know

That I get that part of the story

I understand and can appreciate your point of view

 

And now, I simply have to say

You now have to know mine

Because there’s so much

That I never said

 

And I also say this

So reluctantly

I never said all of this

Because I decided to not make a fuss

And to not make you feel bad

So, instead, for a good portion of two years

I felt bad… really bad

Because from the moment I met you

Or shortly after

I fell for you, and I mean I fell for you

 

We know the story of how we both were attracted

And it need not be repeated

And how we heated up fast

And it need not be repeated

 

But what bears saying

Is because of my feelings for you

I always felt crazy

Because as hard as it is to say

and as hard as I’m sure it is to hear

that I felt

You were very selfish

for a very long time

With my situation

I wanted and needed to make plans

So that I could manage my situation

But you were either unwilling

Or incapable

It was as if you were philosophically opposed

to committing

You never made plans a week in advance,

And barely did days in advance

Simply put… you kept me at bay

And it was maddening feeling

 

I recently looked over old emails,

Some that I have from as early as 1 month after we met

And believe it or not

I could see that already I felt frustrated

It’s easy to write it off

As the affair that it was

But it wasn’t that

As it was how you rolled

 

And I only say this

Again reluctantly

Not to hurt you or blame you

But to share with you

How much in pain I felt

From the beginning

 

And to add to that pain

For me

I had to live in the same room

With your ex-husband

The irony is it was never your husband

But it was always your ex-husband

Within days of meeting you

I recall thinking and asking

Are you still in love with this man

And I was sure of it then, as I am now,

That if you were to admit it

That either you, or he, or both of you

Are still in love with each other

And I don’t want to know one way or another

Because that’s between him and you

And frankly it’s none of my business

And truthfully I really don’t want to know

But honestly, I always felt it

And I don’t say this to hurt you

And whatever happened that you two split

I’m convinced if it didn’t happen

You’d still be together

Because, I think deep down inside

One or the other

Or the both of you really want to be together

And the only reason I say all of this

Is not to punish you

Or blame you

But to let you know

I always felt it, and how much that hurt me

When you would glow about him

You spoke of him as if

he were the best vacation you ever went on

And the pain I felt

When we were just becoming intimate

Or attempting it

But it wasn’t happening

Because of my inadequecies

And at the same time

You would tell me stories

of him and how He was with two women

on the same day

And on and on and on

and on and on and on

and on

It hurt me over and over and over and over

And broke my heart repeatedly

Because I never felt like I could ever be the man

That you really wanted to be with

And were truly in love with

And it made me feel so insecure

And I tried to hide it and not make a fuss

Because he was important to you

But you continued to tell me stories

of his conquests

Of him getting beaten up by some womans’ husband

And how handsome he is

And I thought

why are you telling me this

And I thought

why is he telling you

And it broke my heart

Over and over and over

But I didn’t say anything,

or at least I tried not to

Because he was important to you

And you wanted him

In your life

and I always wondered…

what does that mean

 

And maybe that’s all me

Maybe thats just the way I am

Probably

But… I would never tell you about my past

I would never talk with you about a former lover

Because I would think that would hurt you

Or why should I bring that up because

I just wouldn’t bring that up

Who I date, what we did, how wonderful it was

That’s just not me

And I wouldn’t want to hurt the person I’m around

With them knowing a whole lot about my past

Because that’s what it is… the past

Unless

You decide to keep it the present…

So, one last thing about your ex-husband

I’m not interested in him

I’m just not

 

 

I was careless

I wasn’t careful enough

Or discreet enough

I was out of control

And I was a risk

A lose canon

I get that, and I understand

But you have to understand

That you told me it was over

You told me we were friends

You told me you wanted to be faithful

And how you needed healthcare

And how you have declining physical conditions

And that we had a great time

But we were friends

That you loved me

But you were married

You told me this

Not for 3 months

Not for 6 months

Not for 9 months

But more like 12 months

Or 18 months

You told me… it was over

And my heart was broken

And yes I was a lose canon

And a risk and I understand that

And I get it

But my heart was broken

Not for 3 months

Not for 6 months

Not for 9 months

But more like 12 months

Or 18 months

And at some point

Your behavior followed your words

You met jim for dinner on one of his trips

And you never did that

You told me

Things were going really well with him

And you never said that

And my heart was broken

And I cried

And I felt such deep pain

Not for 3 months

Not for 6 months

Not for 9 months

But more like 12 months

Or 18 months

Until it was clear

That I coulnd’t live a life of pain

I couldn’t live like this

Your life had moved on

And mine hadn’t

And my heart was broken

And as I write this

I can feel the pain

And my heart is broken

And you had new friends

That went to your openings

And you were always busy

And always had too much going on

And I got it

So I had to move on

And move away

Because for months

I wasn’t a part of what you were doing

And yes I was a lose canon

But now I’m mad

That you couldn’t have been confrontational

And said you’re risking everything I have

Go away

And unless you get your shit together

Don’t come back

Because then maybe I would have know

That what you were doing was for a reason

Other than moving on

Because I thought

You moved on

And it broke my heart

And one day

I woke up

After my second black out

In two weeks

And realized

I can’t go on like this

I can’t live like this

I have to change this

And I stopped drinking

And yes, you helped me

But I didn’t know anything more

That we were good friends

And it broke my heart

And days went by

And I hurt

And more days went by

And I hurt

But I hurt a little less

Until weeks went by

And I felt better

And what I knew

Was we were good friends

And after weeks

I met someone

And I didn’t feel crazy

I laughed

Got along

And I had a really good friend

And it broke my heart

Because pictures and posts

Still … they just still…

Because I still hadn’t ever met anhone like that

And weeks went by

And a couple months go by

And I learn

My really good friend

Might b available

for something more

and I’m told

I never gave her a chance

And she’s right

But I also think

Damn it if only she just said

Get the fuck away from me and stay away from me

Until you get your shit together

I would know exactly where she stood

That maybe she could be more to me than just a friend

 

So after all of this

Which is a lot

I have one last thought

Or series of thoughts

And maybe this is where I should have started

But I’ll ask the question

What if certain things weren’t the way they are at the moment

What if there was a chance

What does that mean

And what does that look like

Is that something that looks like it does now

Or did a year ago

Or two years ago

Or is it something different

And how different

What is it this chance you speak of